A New Year

Wish upon a star.
Can you feel promise?
The old year is going out with the same bang.
Car wreck, irony much?
Boom.

Long nights, huge fights,
Guilt guilt guilt
Why do I feel guilty,
They still want to kick me out.
So why feel guilty?
I don't know.

It makes my stomach turn.
I sicken myself.
That jagged little pill hits the stomach
Churning and rumbling
Then it all comes up.

Rushing, flowing, bursting forth.
Is the sun rising on me or setting again?
I don't want to watch,
Please don't let me find out.

I'm eager and urgent and nervous and
Broken
Can I make up my mind?
I want to spend every minute,
No, second.
Every hour and night.
With you.

I upset myself, and yourself.
Even in all of that, you make me.
Happy.

The moon could be crashing into the earth...
And so long as I'm with you at midnight,
This will be a good year.

Soul to squeeze...

Insanity it seems has got me. The angels in my dreams have turned to demons. Where I go, I just don't know but I've gotta take it slow. When I find my peace of mind, I'm going to keep it til the end of time.

Just for you.

I thought of a catchy title with absolutely nothing to say for it.
Hey, I love ya.
Think you'll be mine?

Some say stars are much like dreams...

Did you know I dreamed once? Long ago I used to have my own fantasies and I hid behind my insecurity and ignorance. Oh such bliss...I wore it as a badge and I dreamed.
I once dreamed I was handsome, smart, wealthy, wise, popular, and so much more. I dreamed I was humble, poor, simple, and far away from the rest of the world. Entrenched in my visions and fantasies, I dreamed.
I dreamed once, it was a long time ago in a world much different from the one I still am in today. A world where my family was beyond the ability to do wrong. My parents were the paramount of fairness and integrity, my brother was my closest friend. Money was not an issue, and I always seemed to be able to get to where I wanted to be when I wanted to be there. Yes, once I was shrouded in so much ignorance that I practically lived in a dream.
Ah yes, once, long ago, I dreamed.
I dreamed I was better than a car. I was going to drive a motorcycle. One exactly like daddy's, only red. Red was my favorite color you know. I could relate to it in that wordless way children relate to everything in their world.
I dreamed I was a great man. People respected me, listened to me, wanted to be me. I was humble, and a spectacular person all around. Sometimes, such an imagination reminds me exactly why people may have found me irritating.
I dreamed. Oh yes, I was a dreamer.
I dreamed I was a man to fall in love with. Deeply passionate, intimate and well balanced, good-looking and encouraging. I was every woman's dream. If I was such a person people would believe I was a womanizer, or a mirage.
I dreamed I was talented. I could paint in some of them. Others, I was a musician. Never a singer though, I find that strange that I didn't stray for the spotlight. No, I was a simple street musician, content in his own abilities. Not much of a dream in comparison.
Once I dreamed, yes I dreamed of being someone amazing and simple all at once. Once I was everything you wanted, and once I was everything you'd hate.
Oh, but did I dream.

Some say stars are much like dreams...and when they fall from the sky, that dream has died.
I remember when my star fell.
Oh it was beautiful to watch my dream die. Oh if I could have all my dreams die with such splendor, I would myself die a splendid man.


Also, my phone's battery is like baked...its charging. I can't explain why o.o
I was about to call and it just like...self-fried or something and my phone shut off...yea it was before 9...I was eager to hear your voice.
It should be all charged (or swapped with my dad's battery heeheehee) tomorrow...but my dad went out to do...something I donno what. He's not back yet...I'm kinda worried.

Hope work didn't suck or anything. I love you :P
Assuming Devon is the only one reading this O.O

Can you hear it?

Can you hear it? Echoing off the mountains high above...
Can you hear it? Resounding fully in valleys below...
I can hear it. It is quiet and calm, nearly silent in its sweeping flow. I know, although sometimes I may doubt, that it shall come and bring its splendor.
Can you see it? Encompassing everything around you...
Can you see it? Unbearably bright in the noonday sun...
I can see it. Hanging invisibly before my eyes as I wait endlessly for its constant arrival. As I wait for it to move me and take m away.
Can you feel it? Its everywhere and everything...
Can you feel it? Its a part of you, a piece of you...
I can feel it. Its as much a part of me as breathing has become. Taking up every minute of my time without me ever noticing.

Do you know what it is?
Do you know it?

Just a dream...?

Behind closed lids, I let my senses guide me. An ebbing warmth tingles my skin. Almost unpleasant in its harshness. Fire, the gently abrasive vapor occasionally reaching my nose as I continue my adventure. Eyes still closed, I open my hands and run my fingers across the object holding me up. A couch, a chair, a sofa? I don't know, but it holds me close enough that I'm not too concerned as to its specific name anymore. I drift farther from my body now, letting the rest of my spill out of my body and explore the room I must be in. The aroma of cooking floating around me and taking me elsewhere, threatening to steal me from where I must have been now.

Suddenly, pushing everything else out of my mind, there it is.
Soft and simple, just a reminder of life presses momentarily against my cheek. I don't have to open my eyes, I don't have to smell the air, I don't have to move my hands. I know who it is, where they are, how they're sitting. Just ever so softly, peppermint kisses. A soft mug of a warm frothy liquid held tightly in her hands as she sits lightly beside me. Am I clothed or not? She feels so warm as she cuddles close to me, snaking under my arm as she manuevers into her own little space. I don't fight at all, it is her space and I like her there, huddled against me wordlessly beneath my arm.

That's all I can really remember anymore. Strangely enough.

Peppermint kisses...


Peppermint kisses...

Today was...

Enlightening to say the least. I have truly managed to learn something about the back and forth situation I have some how found myself in.
At times, I feel as if I live in two homes. I live with my family and then I live with my girlfriend.
In one home I'm happy, not entirely a home or my home, sure, but I'm happy. Is that not enough to call it home? Even just for a little bit, I enjoy my jaunts in and out as I can relax a little there.
Then, there is my other home. With it comes everything I've ever done wrong stacking up against me at even the smallest of things I do. Bad or good, I hear every last mistake I've ever made. Over and over and over again. The past never truly dies here. It festers and rots in the wound.
In one home I can find a small bit of peice and quiet, rediscover things in old movies I once loved. Float around and not really accomplish anything, or maybe do a whole day's worth of chore (which aren't mine mind you) in about half the time or less.
But, the other home simply piles more things on my shoulders as opposed to trying to even things out or offer some kind of compromise. Everything is my fault, and all my words are, "Just rambling on, I don't care what you have to say."

Maybe my house is a place to be afraid of. For you, it brings the fear that my family will finally smash my resolve and force me to abandon you.

For me, it brings the fear that they're going to abandon me.

If I hear them threaten again...next time I'm going to use the window and give them what they won't bring themselves to ask of me.


Have you ever had moments where, slouched in a chair or after standing too long...moments where it feels like you're shorter...or taller...or at least viewing your world through a different perspective? Almost as if you're looking through your eyes with another set of eyes? Almost as if you're not associated with your own body? It almost makes the world feel like its slowing slipping out of perspective or you're slowly slipping away from it. Or some kind of disjointed strange image has dominated you...if that even makes any sense in the way I'd hope it to make...

It likely doesn't, I'm no longer good with words.
I used to be very articulate...good at shaping things with writing so as to describe what I envisioned. Now, I have lost that skill. I fumble blindly in my own mind to find words which describe something other than what I see now. The images are no longer as...vivid...the words are not as...powerful. I think I'm losing that part of myself.

I want to go fishing again soon. Or just again. I want to clamber out into my own secret place, away from everyone else with nothing but the trees and the water to greet my breaths. A slight mist hanging over the top of the bluish film as I lightly set down at the edge of a rundown dock, the mark that someone else once loved this place like I had come to love it. I'd want to share that with you. Quietly sitting in the morning sun and wasting the whole day with you. You could draw, or talk, or just sit quietly with me. I could hold the fishing pole lazily, casting without bait. Just for the sake of 'fishing'. I could listen with you...we could pack sandwhiches or ramen or nothing at all. Only our appetites for a long day alone without a care in the world. Leave our troubles at the door.

Some days. I just want to drive.

To a wary heart

Hold your head high, keep your heart close. If you cannot, I shall do it for you. I shall push your chin up with my finger so I may kiss you better, and then hold your heart close so it is not bruised.
My family may crush down upon me constantly, but they cannot crush what I have now. Home is as home will be. Life will go on. It is all more bearable...so much more bearable...with you waiting for me.

I have forever been a dreamer...

((I'm gonna make a better one...after my crappy ass raid.))

Today

Is gonna be the day that I realize I found the truth.
By now, I should have somehow realized what I had to do.
I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now.
Back beat, smashed up on the streets, I never really had a doubt.
Same as before, I'd heard it all before but I never really knew just how.
I don't believe that anybody who feels the way I do, how about now?

Well all the words I heard before are binding,
And all the roads I've chose to walk are winding,
There are many things that I would like to change for you
but I donno how.

So baby, will you be the one that saves me.
After all, you're so wonderful.


Crashing words, falling around me like a cacophonous symphony I'd heard a thousand times before. A new chorus sung this time, "She's dominating your life." "Do you think you'll marry her?" "...but all you think about is Devon." Such horrible tunes seem ever-present in this hellish place I must call home. A job, profession, wage-work. I need something to get me green so I can leave this place and expand myself. Expand horizons beyond that of my character, but of my reality and actuality.

"Maybe I don't want you to leave?" Such a sly smile, such a care-free attitude. Yet, so focused and blunt when the situation calls for such traits. Decisive in some cases, apathetic at other times. Stubborn, sure, but to dislike that would be to dislike a trait I've oft admired in myself. No angel for sure, but she's beauty enough for me. Think not much of the wording of my thoughts, but I'd be perfectly content to spend every season with such a diverse person for the rest of my life. Perhaps I babble on insomnia and stress-thoughts. No matter, I'm still infatuated and loving every minute. Let me be young in my love, enjoying every stupid decision and watching every sunrise with the hopes of seeing her again. Let me savor the flavor of spending this year, next year, and the years to come after with such an intricate woman as the one I've fallen in with as of late.
Yet, let me not appear as blind to the problems that will come to bear before us should we continue dating, and as time goes on. Religion, family, currency, and residence, schooling, profession, location, and goals. Yet, aren't this things everyone must deal with at some time? Where some relationships succeed, others may fail. Its about finding one where the sacrifices on both sides can meet and be accepted. Where views can be shared or negotiated, and goals can be matched or accomodated.
Yet, even the thought of horrible yelling matches and long bitter days and nights seem a pleasing aspect. At least I feel that understanding can be reached between the two of us.
Alas, weariness and sleepyness are upon me and I'll leave it at that. I've had a pensive day...
After a couple of hours of being lectured by my parents as if I'm marrying my girlfriend in the near future left me in a thoughtful place concerning our relationship and the constant unknown nature of the future.

I shall do what we all must do.
Live for tomorrow by besting today. Look to the future for what it holds in store for me and any who cross my path.

Goodmorning everyone.

Its late.

Its very late in fact.
It is so late that it is actually early now.
I crave the feel of your skin beneath my finger tips again, your body pressed tightly against mine.
Oh dear, let me hold your body to mine once more soon.
I want you as you want me. Oh, how I want you.

Goodnight, good morning, good day.

Odes...

Tidal waves...

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner, let me drown softly against the coast without a single word in my defense as I lay helplessly before nature as it swallows me whole and hides any trace that I once was a man. Ebbing slowly and quietly against the tanned coast which seems to wrap itself around my skin as each new wave pulls my footing out from beneath me and drags the sand against my skin. Oh so rough and cutting, yet it is nothing more than tiny grains of rock and salt which sting my every cut and wound.

Gravedigger...

Make my grave shallow, so I may feel the rain. Your grisly job has grown to be a fascination for on so living as myself. How does it feel to be the last word in every man's story? The Librarian of living history, putting the books onto the high shelves where no hands can reach them? Do you wonder who will watch your own stone through the day and night? Do you ponder your mortality as a calculation of who will miss you when you're gone? I believe not, or you and your shovel would be far too busy thinking to see such valuable gems as the cases which once held life put beneath the ground.

Plays...

Act one, scene one. Open wide space and time, so wide...so wide. Can you encompass everything in your nothing as bodies dance across the stage as your paintbrushes? Emotions and words are your colors, and you illuminate the tragedies and triumphs of everything one can imagine. Betrayal, infatuation, lust, love, trust, treason, famine, and wealth. Is there much you cannot relay to us in your ever-growing art of physical expression and verbal explaination?

And now, to deviate from the original plan and slip in my little letter.

I hope you know I hate not calling you at night, your voice just brightens up everything. I hope you feel better tomorrow/this morning. Wednesday is close at hand, and I love our Wednesdays no matter what happens on them. Remember, what everyone else says means nothing right? We're all that matters if we have to weed out opinions. I hope you know I still want to give you that massage...It'd be nice to learn something new at the same time!
I guess you're right, you'll have to give me one so I know the feeling I'm trying to imitate...but we all know that it'll all breakdown after a little bit. I have that effect on people sometimes. Not that I'd mind!
Oh crap, I need to get Justen a new Zune adaptor for his car. Totally what I need to get him for Christmas if I can afford it...a nice comb/brush for Shannon...prolly that pokemon guide for Sean...Peace and Quiet for my Dad...who the hell knows for my Mom...(insert some clever gift here) for you...
and that's it.
Well, I'm going to sleep, nocturnal has faded and weariness has overcome me. I want to call you tomorrow night.

I'll dream of you.

To You

For all the smiles you bring with you every time I see you. For all the times your eyes light up in the moonlight or the sunlight. For the crazy time we spent together, beach stomping and setting up christmas decorations. For the way you giggle and laugh. For the way you make me feel. For encouraging me and being both my compliments and my better sense of judgement. For keeping my best interests at heart while honoring your own best interests.
I wanted to do something special for you before we went to dinner. I wanted to buy you a flower before I picked you up. I wanted to write you amazing poetry or some well-written peice to show you how I felt spontaneously. But I didn't get to pick you up, all my poetry sounded stupid, and this is the best I could come up with.
I love you, I hope you had a good day and I can't wait to see you!

from me.

Today

I would like to set a goal for myself. I don't want to brag or boast about it. I don't want to shout it to the world and have them watch me carefully. We all know I don't care what they think. No, I want to tell it here, where someone who I know and care about will watch. Someone who's opinion matters to me when it comes to matters like this.
Today I want to become a better person than I was yesterday. I want to stop lying around and cut back on what I'm getting and increase on what I'm giving.
I want to have all A's for my next semester in college. Its possible, and easy. Everyone, including myself, knows that its not my mind which is failing me, its myself. I'm overly lazy. I want to fix that. This semester, I will get all A's. I want you to help me hold myself to that goal.
I want to find a job by the end of January. I don't care if its washing dishes or scrubbing feet, I want to get a job so I can begin paying back Justen, and my parents, and you. I want to be able to pay for my car and live partially on my own bill. I want new clothes and I want my dad to be able to respect me as someone capable of supporting himself in some way, in any way.
This is no measely make it so you can break it new year's resolution, this is something I want to accomplish so I can slowly become a better person. A better man. I want everyone to know I'm a man of my word, not just you.

Midnight and I can barely sleep...

but I'm wake in every dream with you. Darkness crowding upon my vision as I slowly turn my head to rest on yours. Then back to sleep, to wake again without the comforting warmth of your skin.
At 1 am this morning I had to go to Wal-mart for my baby brother, I guess that's a little bit like love. You'll jump through hoops to make it all right.
I dream about you, every night both good and bad, at least in my dreams I get to see you.
Should I be afraid of the fact that I would like nothing more than to spend every day I have left with you? I want to learn your flaws inside and out. I want to learn what upsets you. Get on your nerves and get in your bed. Hold you up and hold you down. Bring you smiles and bring you frowns. I want to be your good and your bad and all the little shades of gray.

I've been holding, holding back, but tonight I won't wait to start.
Moving flowing, ever-going, just let me hold your hand just right.
Smiling, crying, now we're flying, just close your eyes to everything.
We won't listen, not a word, to all the things we thought we heard.
So baby won't you stay with me, if we think its right isn't that all that matters?

I like to see you in your work clothes and all your cute outfits. Its nice to have all kinds of contrasts to put you in. It helps me see you next to me at every moment I can imagine. I want to see you naked now, lying next to me, so I can better hold your heart to mine every time we sleep. I want to change my schedule so we can dream together instead of me watching you dream as you snuggle against my chest. My insomnia gives me such a disappointing view of your beautifully lonely, sleeping self. Why can't I be there too, slipping into your dreams beside you? I guess that must be fate too.
Such unrestrained passion and lust, kept bottled up inside until now, it flows over my fingers and I taste it on my lips. I want to wrap you in my arms and kiss you deeply, then wrap around myself and feel your nails down my back. I want to take you taking me in the quiet places in our minds. I want to kiss every inch of you as you kiss me. Oh how beautiful you are no matter how embarassed you feel. Not perfect, but as you are so accustomed to calling me, perfectly imperfect. You're all that's good and bad for your perfectly flawed, extremely average, tall and skinny boy.
What can I truly say though? I'm infatuated in all respects by the artist in your fingertips, the lover in your hands, the woman in your figure, and the person in your eyes. I like the shape of your face, and the smooth curves of your lower back as it reaches up ever so softly to meet your shoulder-blades. I love how your skin grips my fingertips, like a million kisses against my skin when I run my hands across your and reach around you to pull you closer to me. I love your steady heartbeat, calm and hard to excite. I can feel your abs and you're just as sexy to me now as you will be next summer and as you were this summer. I think you're sexy just the way you are.

Baby baby, please just touch, my skin's electric at your fingertips...and I want you to bring me to life.

Have you ever really danced on the edge?

The Karma Police finally came around, and paid me back for all I'd done. For all the good things you do, good will come around...for all the bad things undeserved, good shall come from.
Everyday I woke up early and found my day ruined before I met it, every time I smiled and only got slapped back down for my attitude, every moment I spent slaving for little more than spit and glowers...it must have lead to this.

Who knew this is how love felt, longing to just be closer the whole night through. Who knew this is how love felt, sexing you up without touching you once. Who knew this is how love felt, to lack all words to describe it. Who knew this is how love felt, sharing every part of yourself with another.
"We skipped the intercourse...and just had sex." Can't say it better myself. In fact, I won't try.

Have you ever really danced on the edge? Just take my hand and go.

December, on the rocks.

If I could make a drink, I think that's what I'd call it. A white month full of warmth which hides beneath the chilly exterior brought about by the troublesome cubes which always seem to block you from that last drop you attempt to extract from the bottom of the glass. Fufillment is little more than a small glass away as the condensation on the edge of the glass begins to gather at the top and run haphazardly towards the insignificant napkin at the base of the glass as it sits uncaressed at the bar. Such a drink is better kept like the cola of a designated driver, there for looks as opposed to whetting ones thirst. The glass is but an image to make the person complete as they lean casually against the oaken chest high bar and tap their foot lazily to the beat of the music that echoes from the jukebox.

Sometimes, I think love is a little like being drunk. Its the kind of thing which comes with casual conversation and a bit of spare time. Its like a milky film washing over your vision and blurring reality as you know it, streaming everything into a staggered and warped tunnel vision. When you're in love you're 6 feet tall and bullet proof. When you're in love, every building is a small one if you look down from the top. When you're in love, you like the lights down low so the bright shine won't hurt your eyes. When you're in love, even the stupid things are funny and you're a little less embarassed. Love isn't like a cheap liquor or some every day beer, love is like fine wine. If you don't see the saying, I'll give it to you, "It gets better with age" and it gets better with time.

I'm a little bit of an alcoholic, and I'm loving every minute of it. Casually nursing my December as I chat quietly with my drinking buddy. Oh I wouldn't have it any other way.

Have I ever thanked you recently?

I doubt I have, however I will take this time to do so in the best way I possibly can. You see, what seems insignificant and natural for you has turned out to be some of the best things you could have done for me. I just want to express my gratitude.
Thank you for supporting me when even I fail to lift myself up.
Thank you for being that encouraging voice which reminds me everything will be alright.
Thank you for offering me a smile on those days that are harder than the rest.
Thank you for making me smile every time I'm feeling down.
Thank you for taking naps with me, I may not act it but most of the time I want that nap just as much.
Thank you for being intimate with me, even when its just a single momentary kiss the passion is unrivaled.
Thank you for being the person who you are, I smile every time I think of you.
Thank you for buying me anything at all, even though I try to go cheap I enjoy not having to watch everyone else eat.
Thank you for reassuring me I'm not a mooch, even though I'm a mooch cause I don't have any money to pay you back (yet!).
Thank you for the kisses, without them I wouldn't be able to remember how you tasted in my dreams.
Thank you for the hugs, without them I'd be a little colder every day.
Thank you for not shaving every day, it makes me appreciate the days you choose to spiffy up all the more as well as reminding me that you have no qualms being with me when you're at less than your best.
Thank you for being beautiful, but you really can't help that anyways.

However, thank you most of all for loving me the way you do. Its an amazing feeling just to know it is there, euphoric in nature as it surpasses any other sensation I've ever felt. I wouldn't trade the feeling for anything or everything because to trade the feeling would mean to trade you.

I love you, without a doubt. Just keep being you, its perfect or me.

Cold Play Every Day

I'm in play place where it was all yellow.
I'm the scientist living it viva la vida baby.
Oh if you're in trouble I'll fix you baby.
Fix you fix you every day, fix baby every way.

How long must you wait for it? Nobody said it was easy.
Tell me a secret, ah lets go back to the start.
See I'm running in circles and I'm watching the clocks.
Don't you remember when I ruled the world?


Do you ever feel we're drifting aimlessly towards each other, waiting out time for reasons unbeknownst to us? I want to rush though all of this and get to the core of it all. I want to know where its all going. I'm impatient, worried I'm only loving you so that I can one day teach the both of us what heartbreak really is. Isn't that everyone's fear? Tell me you fear it too. Of course you do, you've said it too, but to see it in writing, it makes it easier to know we do.
Have I ever told you how I feel sometimes? Sometimes I wish to rush you, push you on alongside me until we blunder blindly into the darkness of the future and get stuck in the moment we make. Sometimes, I wish I could take you slower after I push you so fast. I wish I could unravel you from your clothing and kiss along your back for hours on end until I memorized every inch of your skin like it was my own. Sometimes I want to hold you down and press my ear to your lips so that I may hear every gasp. Sometimes I wish you'd let me lay you down, then lay beside you, and let my fingers run over every inch of your bare skin.
"Your skin, oh yes your skin and bones. Turn in, to something beautiful."

I had an overwhelming urge while we were movie watching today. I wanted to take off your shirt and sit behind you. Kiss along the nape of your neck and down your back. Massage your shoulders and let my hands work down your back comfortingly. I wanted to feel you lean against me as you relaxed and simply thought about my finger tips and my lips. As you relaxed and devoted all your senses to feeling me feel you. I wanted to feel your breaths slow down until you were hardly awake and yet alarmingly alert.

You can fall head over heals and break your bones from the countless falls.
"I will try...to fix you..."

If only...

Some days, I wish I were the ocean. If I were the ocean, would you be the beach? If you were, I could kiss you all day and I'd care not who sees.
Some days, I wish I was a cloud. If I was a cloud, would you be the sky? If you were, I'd swim forever through the infinite blueness that enveloped me on clear days.
Some days, I wish I was the dirt. If I were the dirt, would you be a seed? I'd hold you ever so gently for all your days until you grew forth and reached into the world from upon my back.

However, every day I'm only me. If I am me, would you be you? If you were, I'd love you the way I have grown to be so good at and do whatever I can to make you smile.
Would you smile for me?

The sky...

An ever changing magnificent dance of colors and beauty. Swimming back and forth across the sky both day and night. Clouds, colors, and millions of other tidbits of beauty. In fact, even the moon and the sun choose to slide deftly from one side to the other throughout the day...

Yet, none pay enough attention to capture the true beauty that races overhead whether we choose to watch or not.

Your eyes make me think of the sky. Subtly beautiful, and its entirety is over looked far too often. Every facet pulls me in completely and immerses me in you. Thousands of colors hide, waiting for the light to dance across it just right and provide a rainbow of inspiration at every degree.
I'd trade all my kisses to watch your eyes light up with your smile as you talk quietly to me about whatever comes to mind.

You make my fingers shake, but in a good way...

Is that so? Are you sure that those fingers shaking is truly a good way?
To me, I feel as if its far from good. I have left you with nothing more than a shaken body and a shaken spirit. Shaky legs and excited system. A million thoughts and no escape or expression. One would say that I would be taking such a beautifully sexual non-sexual relationship for granted.
However, whoever those "ones" are do not realize what it is to be me right now.

I want to take you in ways you've never imagined, and leave you unspoiled all the same. I want to make you feel loved and wanted and needed. I want you to feel both as if you're in control, and yet entirely powerless all at once. I want to have sex without ever removing your clothes or marring your body. I want to drive you to feelings unlike anything achievable by normal means. With my hands and skin denying me this ability, I am left speechless and motionless in your awe as I clumsily love you with everything I can muster, hoping I can give to you what I search for at all times.

Just once

I would like to hold you tightly beneath the covers
Lying silently through the night
Sleeping or not sleeping it doesn't matter to me
Only to feel your skin beneath my finger tips
Your breath against my neck
Your heart beating softly and calmly against my own

Love is...

Not for the faint of heart. Its the kind of thing that is beyond your ability to control and understand, it simply is. It is the kind of thing which haunts you at 1:18 in the morning, pulling you ever closer to some pointless speech concerning what it is when all that you say it is is really what it isn't. Its entirely a part of the peices of you which are not a part of you at all but a part of someone else in such a way that it is no longer a part of them but a part of you.
Love is...
Something shared outside of the inside of your being while being in another. A driving force to make yourself a better you in the hopes that a better you will be better liked by the one who liked the old you and wishes you to stay the same when you change for them by not changing at all. A thousand questions without an answer with which you are content with only posing them and never knowing the truth because that's all you need in order to comprehend the answer you aren't given.
Love is...
A state of heart in which the mind takes over and guides you with blind reason towards the inevitable meeting of thoughts and passions with another who can see no further than there own hands reach until they meet you. That feeling you get when you pull someone close, wrap them in your arms, so that you can pull them into a place that you can see them for what they really are beneath all the skin that is who they are. Why I stay up at night forever hoping I may write something on a whim which can express to me and to her exactly what love might possibly be between us and why we've fallen for each other and not another.
Love is...
Beyond the physical, metaphysical, to take the words of one I say I love. All to physical in the world around us as we hold close those we call dear and kiss softly those we love most. A thousand words you wish you could say with your lips but lack the ability to do more than express it with a hug and a grin as you are at a loss for words at the sheer limitless meanings of such a simple emotion.
Love is...
What keeps me coming back to you long before we admitted that's what it was. Exactly why I stay up late writing stupid free verses like this which feign depth but all too often simply trying to confuse and mislead the reader as love often does me. What I think of when I think of you and is the first thing that comes to mind when I'm out of things to say to you.
Love is amazingly complex and simply mundane within itself as it extends beyond the reach of my fingers as it tickles the tip of my nose and appears invisible to me in all its brilliant colors.
Love is you to me whenever I stop to breath.
But what is love to you?

I hate

Broken nerves and nervous itches. The little things that keep me up at night. I feel hot beneath my covers and cold without them on. My stomach turns over and over at every moment.
I'm so nervous, I have half of my spanish final tomorrow and I'm extremely worried I won't do well on it. Its done entirely thought speaking, so its an oral exam (all jokes aside). I'm much better on paper, and languages aren't really my thing so I'm very very nervous. I've never been one to choke on tests...but the night before, its always been my little secret, I'm wracked with horrible insomnia. I don't want to go all night without sleep...I want to be ok...I want to sleep. I can't do well without rest, but I can't seem to rest.
I pray this puts my mind at ease.

Love all, g'night.

Here I am

Missing every word we used to share. I wish I still had the conversations we shared before. I feel sometimes as if I've run out of words and questions to ask and share with you. Wildly fumbling into your arms and your lips in an attempt to hide my shame at a lack of words. Could you talk to me for me, I seem to have lost my tongue. I can remember a thousand things I wanted to say moments after you go away, but everytime I catch your eye it all seems to fly from mind. It saddens me to feel as if I carry only skin-minded finger tips and body craving lips whenever I meet you in the door. Please don't feel upset when I sit unoccupied beside you as you work or worry, I'm happier when I don't need to hide against your neck with three word whispers and shorter breaths. Don't get me wrong, I love those moments, holding you closer and shedding public skin to privately hold your body against mine uninterrupted by threads. However, I can't help but hide the fear that I've run out of words and all I have left to give is two hands, two lips, and a thousand I love you's. I know that you have a thousand things that interest you every moment and you likely yearn to share, well please share. Ignore my occasional misplaced kiss and dirty thought, I still crave your every word more than anything else. I fell in love with you for your revealing thoughts and intimate discussions. I just feel that you might think I forgot all of it...but I'll never forget. I'll never forget those late nights, and long drives, and cold nights, and sunrise. I'm counting days. I'm counting ways.

Very busy night...or a very early morning

Take your pick, I love both.
So here I am, jiving on caffiene. Caffiene jitter bug, that's my favorite dance it seems. Starts with a pop of the wrist, swallow for good luck, then you start to get antsy and overhwelmed. Music calls to you and you decide to stay up a little more. Back to your feet, the warmth of covers releasing you as the jitterbug crawls up your spine.
Oh delightful. I love staring endlessly at the lonely liquid filled screen of my laptop as I try to figure out what to cram into my morning. amazing how things can drag on eh? Blogs are best for insomniacs like me. Night owls ain't got shit on me, and even the sun asks me to make coffee so it can hit the snooze on its alarm.

Can't understand a word I say, that's ok, takes the touch of insomnia to understand the threads I float in when I'm flowing at that hour.

Round two, another pop from the wrist, covers swallow you long enough to send the chill of paranoia and too much thought into your body. Up again, too anxious to sleep. Afraid of your dreams? Afraid of the pre-sleep thoughts? Afraid of letting your mind wander out on its on? That's ok. We invented TV and the internet to guide your thoughts into a senseless oblivion, hiding your own imagination from itself. How wonderfully crude.

Backwards is forwards is up is down. I honestly feel mixed up and disoriented as I float here and remind myself that I have class in about an hour and a half...maybe a bit more? I have to do some work. Wednesday is part 1 of my spanish final, last due day for any sociology work I haven't finished, probably something for my other classes too. Just one more week I believe for College courses. My grades don't look so hot. I'm concerned and worried. Jittery as a junebug.

Round three, you can't even leave your chair now. Fingers shake and just thinking about thinking reminds you of your personal fear. Jitters run through your body as you attempt to hide from the paranoid, sugar rushed ideas you've conjured up. Jittery as a junebug. Caffiene jitterbug.

I wish you were here. Here to tell me I'm just being crazy. Here to tell me it'll be alright. Here to remind me its just my wild thoughts in the night. To curl up beside me and calm me down so I could sleep calmly and make not a sound.
You catch the drift.
I just can't tell myself that, even though its true. At this hour, I can hardly trust myself at all.

Round four, almost there, the father gets up and lectures his share, then out the door with coffee in hand, to caffiene jitterbug his way to work. Smiling softly, you let thought resume, the light seems to help ease your mind a little...but not all of it. Paranoia of failure still chases every stray thought.

Louis Logic - Morning After Pill
"I wish they made a morning after pill, so I wouldn't have to feel like such an asshole still."

Good morning world. I made coffee.

I wanna know your plans...

Listening to say anything at 2:18 at night...wired on caffiene with the College Heeby Jeebies.

You're like a drug to me, infesting every part of me fully, touch taste smell and thought, I can't escape this lover's draught. Its these simple things which drive me crazy, oh how crazy I am for every part of you.
I want to write a thousand songs to sing the words your voice can say. Its music to my ears to hear your every word. I want to hold my mouth shut so I can only hear you when we sit quietly alone and talk aimlessly.
I'd draw a thousand pictures and play a million tunes to make my hands just perfect for you. That you might run your insanely soft fingers over every line which infatuates your racing mind.
I'd watch a million sunrises just to catch a glimpse of the integrity and beauty which reflects from even the dimmest rays that reach your eyes. Reliable as the sunrise on a cloudless day, and as gorgeous as wildflowers in full bloom on a hill.
I'd smile at every moment just to see you happy when I'm there. Your joy fills every inch of me like the warmth of a summer day spent lazily upon a towel on sun-warmed sand. Oh you let me be warm for you all winter.

Sometimes, I want to know what you think about how I act. Am I too fast and strange? Eccentric and off-beat? Do I excite you sexually and engage you intellectually? Can I keep up or am I behind or ahead? Can I make you smile at the right moments or am I out of touch with your mood? Do I have too many flaws or not enough? Do I make you feel good, in any and every way you can imagine? Do you feel wanted and needed? Do you need me as well?
Sometimes, I don't want to know.
Whatever the news and whatever will show, I want to hear it all from you.

I'll dream about you tonight.

Late Morning, Early Night

Sometimes I wonder, just why I am the way I am.
So I'm vulgar, at least you love me where I stand.
I don't believe in sure things, but I sure believe in you.
So what if every other person has no faith.
Aren't we the only ones that matter in this?