I...decided not to burn the letter...I'm so addicted at this point...so sure that the Devon that loves me is still hiding out there...so sure I can find her and bring her back...I'm going to finish the letter. It is my last chance.

This will be...the last time I write here. The last time I write to the Devon that once loved me. I hope she's out there listening, this is very important to me. This is not going to be a short project. This is truly going to be my final labor of love. I don't know if she'll read it, I don't know if she even exists anymore. The Devon that is left shows no reactions to anything that has to do with the relationship. I don't know what is left behind...I'll have to meet this person anew. However. This is important because by the time I finish this, I will have burned the letter that was to go into the box I am finishing as the first addition to my former lover's collection of letters and notebooks.
This is where that letter will go.
It probably doesn't mean anything, it won't change anything, it won't fix anything, it won't even bring back anything. The hurting will continue until I finish it and leave it for dead elsewhere in the world. I will put the dead thing into the pile alongside my feelings for Liz, the feelings I had for Meagan, the feelings I had for Sarah, for Carinne, for Alyssa. I will lay it there and bury it and I will never look back. The idea of doing this is difficult, which has brought me to the nesscessity of leaving this final testament of my love somewhere to be seen. As if an epitaph, in some ways, perhaps a final cry to the person falling ever farther from me...I don't know for sure.

Dear Devon,
I decided that I wanted to write you a letter that would be the first of many you receive from me in the coming years. The first of many we can put together into some kind of diary to track how everything started to happen from the moment you got this box, until I attended boot camp, to when I graduate, and so forth. I wanted to write something of an anniversary, happy birthday, deeply gratifying kind of thing so you would know that the gift you missed for Christmas came back doubled on your birthday. I appreciated the card you gave me, by the way, it was really cute and I have it on my mantle next to all the other keepsakes. It looks nice and I felt really blushy when I got it, although I did a damn good job of keeping the blush down. Sure, I know its some storebought card, but its still really fitting and sweet. I don't remember if I said thank you, so here it is now. Thank you. Anyways, back to the nitty gritty. I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how I was feeling, I'd say what I was doing but I've obviously decided to write the letter, and this letter is what I'm already doing. Right now I feel worn out, I had to travel all over the damn place to get all this stupid ass wood, and I went and broke nearly all of it. I'm covered in brown paint because I wanted to make it like, that almost mahogony brown color cause I think it looks nice. Not to mention, I'm really happy because I just got to see you not too long ago and I'm really looking forwards to going to New Years with you. I have been applying lip balm constantly because when you give me a kiss, I want to have it be a really nice kiss. It'll be like a super kiss because we've come this far and we're almost out of the cold cold winter. I guess I wanted to also tell you this winter scared me. We were out partying, which you haven't done in a long time, and doing all kinds of other fun stuff. I am a little afraid that in the rush of it all, I'm going to start seeming a lot more boring, but if we can just get out of winter, I won't be so concerned about how lame I am in comparison to Tom and Knick and Dreylick and everyone else. I know you're upset about me smoking occasionally, but it gives me a good chance to catch up with Shannon when he goes out for a cigarette. I'm sorry too that I always want to smoke when I'm drunk. I'll stay away from alcohol after New Years so that I'll stop going near cigarettes so you won't have to worry about it anymore. I'm excited about the next year too! You'll be turning 19 and I'll be giving you this letter and you'll be all giddy and happy with the box and you're just, ugh. I'm so excited. You just, make me so happy. I've been really sketch lately, occasionally argumentative, but I figure we've been dating so long, that's totally normally. People have to fight every now and then, we've gone SO long without any kind of drama, that a little fighting seems perfectly normal to me. Sure, sometimes Heather annoys me, but you know what? She's your friend and even if I'm going to complain about it, I'm totally going to just deal with it. I reckon you'll kiss her on New Year's too, you two are really silly with your sombrero parties and shit. At least its good fun. As for me, I'm just waiting for New Year's to come through and around so that I can start holding your hand again and taking you places. I called ahead of time and I have a reservation at Aldo's for dinner on the 5th. I don't want to tell you, but I do. Its so hard, but I've managed to make it this far without saying anything, so why not a little more? I have flowers and stuff too! I spent all my Christmas money on it for you. It's going to be GREAT haha. Still, by the time you read it...you're going to already know! Isn't that awesome?! I'll have told you a secret you already knew! Or something like that. Its whatever, the point is you'll get to dress up again and I know you haven't done it in awhile. I'm sure you're just itching to put on your good clothes and go be lady-like. You always look so nice when you're dressed up. I wish I had some nicer dressy clothes so I could match you better. Such a shame. However, yea, I've been prepping myself to work out and what not so you can have a fit good looking boyfriend. I want to make that my New Year's resolution. I'm going to say something when asked like, working out or some shit. But, here's the secret! I'm totally going to be giving you something to be proud of, as well as prepping for boot camp. Its a two for one deal! That way you can touch my tummy when we lay around and do that giddy little giggle when you think about sexy abs. Hmmm, what else can I say...this letter's not long enough if you ask me! I don't want to be done. I'm going to get something to eat...and then write more. I'm starving!
Ok I'm back Lover. Its been a few hours and I decided to jam to music on the Ipod you gave me. So kind of you, that's why this gift has to be PERFECT. I'm working really hard on it. The box is about as tall as my hand is wide...its just big enough to fit the notebook we kept while I was bombing out of college and falling deeply in love with you. I want that to be at the bottom so you can keep track of it all, I can see it there! Oh, the memories are so nice, and just thinking about it I want to gush them on paper...but I won't. I'll talk to you about them on birthday pillow talk. I know I'll sleep over, the usual after all. Sleeping alone at my house is so hard babe, I'm so used to your heart beat now adays. Oh right, I didn't really want to tell you about this one, but I might as well since this seems to be honesty hour. Did you know when you fall all the way asleep I sneak over there and softly tug your hands and turn you over so you can lay against my chest on your side? You usually offer a slight sleepy groan and nuzzle right in against me. Its so nice to have your tiny self just wedged in against me. I usually lay there for a couple minutes or so, its hard to keep track, and brush my fingers through your hair and kiss your forehead. You're so ridiculously beautiful. I want to take you to the sunrise again soon, I might do that on the 5th after dinner. We'll stay up all night and talk and maybe have some sex because we haven't really in awhile, and then I'll take you out in the morning and we'll watch the sun come up like we did before. We'll drive up to 75th like we did all summer and we'll sit there and talk about the little crabs as we snuggle up in blankets and recount all kinds of silly things to each other waiting for the day to truly begin. I like to think that our relationship is really just beginning. The more I learn about you, the more I feel there's more to learn. It makes me feel you're just, the most interesting person ever. I'm really glad we met. You've helped me through a lot, taught me a lot about myself, and you've just loved me so much. You practically helped give me a second family. I'm so happy with you, I don't even think you can fathom how much you mean to me. I keep trying to write you a song and I keep coming up with crap...I want to write you something wonderful that'll just, capture everything without blatently saying it. It'll be awesome if I can actually do it. However, I'm really tired now, and I think Justen's going to play games with me...I'm going to write more tomorrow. This thing can't be done. Heh, it is starting to look like the journal. Do you still read it on occasion?
Ah! New Year's tonight. I'm inexplicably upset at Shannon right now, he's insisting that we not bring you and Heather. I can see why no Heather, but I really really want you to be there. If you can't come, I'm going to go to whatever New Year's Party you're going to. I am going to spend it with you, do or die. I feel really off today, I hope the festivities cheer me up. My family is rubbing me the wrong way right now so bleh, but whatever. I'm going to write about something happier since this isn't supposed to EXACTLY be a journal haha. I think its kind of spectacular you have managed to keep yourself with me despite all these awesome people around us. However, I guess my loving you really helps in that. Its so nice to not be out there without snuggles, Justen doesn't have any of that anymore and he always complains. I'm always rubbing it in his face how much closer the two of us are. Its really good sometimes to have that there to keep me running. Hmm, reading over this, I have no idea what else I can say. I've said quite a bit haha, but I love trying to think of more I can say to you without recounting memories. Its nice to know that I can always talk to you. Well, maybe if I think of something else to write I'll add to it later. I'm going to go bathe and stuff and get ready for the party tonight. I LOVE YOU!


There it is, in its entirety perfectly copied so as to not lose any of its value. Consider it a collector's item, its value should increase exponentially in any of the coming days...at least that's what I hope. I want it to become the last relic of a dead time so that I can truly know I've moved on. I want to be happy for the woman that replaced my lover. The one who gets drunk every few nights and hooks up with people who were our friends. Has sex with other people, kisses other people, has her own circle of people who're interested in dating her. That girl is the one who replaced the girl I fell in love with. Just like every girl I date, I seem to make them more desirable and open. Then they leave me and have wonderful times doing whatever they please with whomever they want.

I'm simply a dog on his lead, tied to the porch until some other needing soul unties me and walks me until they're done. Foolishly, I'm undyingly loyal to whomever rescues me from that fate...

I hate all of this. I hate everything that has come of this. I wish on New Year's I had just said nothing, then there would have not been this falling out. It wouldn't have happened. We would have recovered, things would have changed, we'd have become happy again in due time. Everything would be perfect. Instead, I finally found something I have done which I regret.

DO YOU HEAR ME DEVON? I FINALLY REGRET SOMETHING! I FINALLY HAVE TRULY DONE SOMETHING THAT I REGRET. THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I REGRET!

It is pointless, Devon is gone. She isn't there anymore, is she? All I have left are memories of someone who died at the turn of the year...instead she was replaced with this thing which only brings me pain now.

Even re-writing my letter made me smile. I miss you so much my love. I think I always will.

I truly miss you, but I just can't say good bye. It hurts too much. All I can taste now is my tears as they run down my face and I fight everything in me to finish this final entry. I don't want to finish it, because I don't want to say good bye. It hurts more than anything to think that you're going to disappear from my life. I've been so loyal, I tried so hard. I want to just go back and tell you to try harder. Tell you to not give up on me, to give me another chance. To just hold onto me and don't leave me. I'm not ready for you to leave.
I'm not ready to lose the long nights together laying there talking about nothing. The car rides, the days I'd accompany you to work at the bar and hang around the kitchen. Clubbing and parties and our fake vacation weekend. I'm not ready to lose this connection, I'm not ready. Once, you gave yourself to me, and now you're off giving yourself to others. You're already gone and I'm not even ready to consider moving on without you. I'm so stuck I'm STILL continuing all of this. I keep saying over and over again that THIS is the last and THIS is the last and THIS is the last. I don't want it to be the last. I don't want good-bye. I don't want you to go out with Knick, or anyone.

I want to take you out again. I want to take you back to batman and just start everything over again. I want to talk to you in the car for hours, then go to waffle house. I want to relearn your scars and your skin and your heartbeat and your breath and your hugs and your kisses. I want to relearn your favorite colors and your favorite season and your best friends and your favorite places. I want to go on walks again, and watch movies again, and be introduced to your family again, and you to mine. I want to go back. I can't handle this, its just too much. I can talk so strong all the time, but the moment I'm alone it all comes rushing back to me and I break down all over again.

I just want, I want another, I want another chance to love Devon. Why can't you find it anymore? I wish you knew, I wish I knew. I just want to love you again. You were so wonderful and I just want to love you again. But you said you don't love me anymore and it hurt. You tore my heart out. You ruined me...I just can't handle it. It hurts, physically and mentally. Its truly physical heartache. I turn out the lights and weep myself to sleep clutching my broken heart in the hopes I push it back together again.

I just want to love you again Devon...I just want you to talk to me and understand it...I just don't understand it though...it was so beautiful and I was so happy and then it was gone. Why did you have to stop loving me? Why... I just....I just...I can't stop...I love you still...I can't stop Devon. You never gave me back my heart...

Its an, altogether, natural feeling. Something akin to breathing in how simple and normal it seems. A certain familiarity in everything entirely unfamiliar about it. Obviously, contradictory, yet there's a certain comfort in the unsure nature of the actions it triggers. It, takes hold of everything in your life, dominating it and weighing heavily on all the decisions one makes. Despite that, it provides comfort and shelter and protection from that which harms you.

What is it, however, is a much better question. It could be a thing. Mayhaps it is your home, or a country, or a hang out. Or, perhaps, it can be a person? A girl, a boy, a mother, a father, a baby, a wife, a husband. Or perhaps an action? Is it within dancing or music or running or breathing?

For me, it is simple, lying within the heart of a petite woman who's overly concious and thoughtful.

All I want is something small. Nothing big. I don't want sex, I don't want gifts, I don't want some elaborate surprise or you to remember everything all the time. I don't want you to be unhappy.
All I want is for you to spend a little bit of time with me again. Its been awhile and I'd really appreciate it. Lets get together and make a big dinner. Some noodles and a nice sauce, maybe some french bread and an appetizer to snack on while we cook and snuggle around the kitchen with gourmet hot chocolate filled with marshmallows, all while decorating a tree and talking about christmas. Something nice from the old days.
Go ahead and be upset, but just know that's all I'm asking. That's what I want.

I have to sort this all out. I'm nervous. I tried to sleep today and managed to finally pull it off...only to be interrupted by my father yelling at my brother.
Inside my room.
No respect.
Either way, I'm awake now. I've done my work, and tomorrow is supposed to be a very big day for me. I'm shaking in my boots.
I'm afraid, I have to have a conversation with a man who's only offered me a half-smile and a stern look at the best of times. I understand he's stoic. I trust that he likes me. I believe that he'll listen to me.
I'm still absolutely terrified by the concept of talking one on one with him.
I just have some internal feeling which tells me that there is no reason good enough that would have him let you go. Despite that fear, I'm still obviously going to try. I'm just antsy. I can already feel my skin crawling underneath his gaze, begging me to be quick and kurt. Begging me to flee and let it be.
I can already picture the look I'll get for the conversation.
His face will maintain that rigid demeanor, lips set in a thin line very likely pressed together slightly. His eyes will sit behind his glasses, stern and discerning and maybe, secretly, enjoying the way I squirm from intimidation. Perhaps he'll be sitting up straight, just looking, fingers laced together in his laps and elbows squared on arm rests. Perhaps he'll lean back, setting one hand to his chin as he listens.
Either way, he'll likely ask me some kind of a question. He'll say something or discourage me.


I'm most afraid however, that he might say something exactly like my father. Say its too soon or that I won't be able to do it right because I'm too young still. I don't know. I'm just worried.


But I'm going to do it. I'm in love with you, with Devon.
Which brings me to what I was going to write tonight in the first place.

I'm not worried about losing you. I'm not worried about being cheated on. I'm not worried about other people ruining our relationship. I don't worry about these things for more reasons than your personal virtue and moral code. It extends into a part of my ownself whom I trust. And who can you trust more than yourself? If you cannot trust yourself, you can trust no one.
However, that is not for this discussion.
No, I'm not worried because I know why love is the way it is. I know why you love me.
Love has something to do with finding people you can be with, but that is only the first part. If you enjoy being around someone, they're a friend. If you try to date and love those people, you are likely to find certain things absent in the relationship; this isn't always true, but you're more likely to find these friendship qualities in a wide variety of people. Love, however, comes from someone who you enjoy being with, not just because you like them, or tolerate them...
You love someone when you find a person who is happy with who you are, who you want to be, who you might be, who you wish you could be. Love is someone who you wish to be better for, even though they think you're fine the way you already are. Love happens when you find a person you're proud of because of who they are; someone you love even in dark hours of your relationship.
I love Devon. Her favorite color lies somewhere between Spring and Fall, but she'll tell you it is teal. She loves Yellow and Orange and certain shades of Brown as well. She aspires to be a chef, not nesscessarily someone notable, although she'd like to be on Food Network if the opportunity arises; she would gladly settle with cooking in a larger, finer, kitchen one day. In the end, she wants to own a bakery and cake shop because she loves cakes. Her favorite season is the late Spring because of all the flowers, and she wants to have a garden in her backyard one day so she can enjoy Spring from her windowsill every morning. Her favorite tree is the Willow. Like myself, she's an italian food lover. She enjoys spontaneous changes in her day and often finds herself hanging out with people who, unlike herself, do not plan things extensively so that she can find an escape from work. She's eager to be married, and dreams of raising a family with at least two children. She wants to travel one day, especially to Greece and Eastern Europe because that is her favorite place in the world. As a result, one of her favorite movies is Mamma Mia, simply because it takes place in Greece. However, her all time favorite is Tank Girl, or perhaps Underworld; She's not even sure which is her favorite anymore. No matter what she says at the time, her favorite actress is Kate Beckingsale, she always comes back to that when asked.
I love her because she's outspoken, honest, and more than willing to disagree with me. Sometimes it takes a bit more coaxing to get her opinion on personal issues and concerns, but in the end she is much like myself in that she would rather discuss it then leave it to fester in the closet. She's an honest person who truly believes in me and supports me in all the roads I take. She's level-headed, often grounding my excessive dreaming and spending, although she usually has a hard time stopping me from spoiling her. She makes sure to keep up with my issues and is amazingly understanding and intelligent. I've always been hard-pressed to find an intellectual equal among women for conversation, being as media has popularized stupidity in the female population. Devon is not above challenging me, not to mention she often corrects me which, albeit annoys the hell out of me, is one of the reasons I love her to death. The fact that she has been willing to give ground in some arguements, and take it in others reassures me that we will never have an empty one-sided relationship.
All in all, I find it hard to describe everything at once. More and more every day, I find it impossible to think of life without her. I can go months without seeing her, but I would like to be able to write her letters, and be cute with her...and all manner of other things.

I'm still nervous.

To Devon,
We haven't written to each other in awhile. I know it is because we've been busier and life has been coming at us in whole new ways. I know it is because we're trying to save our words for letters that will travel in the mail. First Class, next day delivery letters that will come soon enough. I know it is because of whatever reason that has presented itself.
I wanted to write something for you that was like that peice I'd written to you about your eyes. I know it is still hiding somewhere, I know this because you told me you stashed it somewhere that you wouldn't ever lose it. I wanted to write you something like that one song I wrote you which escapes me when I wrote to you. I wanted to write something to you that would remind you of all the things I wrote to you when we started dating so that you would read this and smile at the way things were again, for just a moment.
I say that last sentence as if things are changing and we're losing each other. The reality is far from that. I believe in some ways we've come to a more realistic concept of each other. I believe we're more in touch with the other than we could have ever boasted back in those infatuitious days. I believe that, in many ways, we're more in love now then we were then. It is logical and practical and I truly believe it.
I've given you all manner of my secrets and as more and more things arise to me at the moment, I try to make sure to tell you of them. I want you to know every facet of me as I learn each thing about myself. Most of these things are spur of the moment realizations. Like the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. I have no idea if I've told you that story yet. If I told you how my brother held me as I curled up shivering in my bed crying in his arms. I don't think I have, I plan to tell you tomorrow...or another day.
I would definitely tell you tomorrow, but I'm worried that it will upset you or become the focus of the day. If I only get to see you for around 2 hours, I don't want to spend it dwelling on that moment. The longest moment of my life, yes, but I still don't want to spend 2 hours thinking about it. No, I'd rather spend it with you.
I don't care if we have sex Devon. I know sometimes it worries you because I seem very pursuant and a lot of the arguements and rough waters we have occur around sex. I want to remind you that I am usually expressing my standing or personal...whatever (I can't think of a suitable word)...concerning solely sex. It may simply be THAT moment, usually it is. Overall, and more often then not, you deliver sex that I find to be the envy of any woman I've ever been with in a sexual manner. You are #1 in all aspects you've indulged in with me. Hands down. My only wish is that I would provide better sex for you...and that I didn't make you sore.
You are my favorite person to talk to, well perhaps you and Gloria. However, I would prefer talking to you over Gloria only because I can express an emotional conversation with you...Gloria really only has intelligent conversations with me...or asks for advice. You, on the other hand, Have intelligent conversations with me and offer emotional support as well as ask for advice. I only compare you to Gloria because...conversationally and topically, she is the only person who is anywhere NEAR you in the conversational aspect. Justen doesn't hold a candle to some of the conversations Gloria and I have had. In comparison...Gloria is hardly a match to the rampant flame you are. I just figured you wouldn't take my word for it on this topic unless I used an example of someone else I talk to. Once again, I can't stress how important a conversation is for me.
I'm glad I met you. I'm glad that we met in a way that exceeded, "Oh, he's cute. Oh, flattery and flirtations. Oh, lets date so we have an excuse to hook up. Oh, wow you're an interesting person too!" No, the way we met was perhaps the farthest from that. It started as a sort of concerned, estranged friendship. The interest in each other's characters and strength of will arose first. Then, after some soul searching and a little fire-side talk time...we decided to try a relationship.
I'm happy that, since day 1, we've done nothing but take the relationship seriously and at a reasonable pace for the both of us. I'm happy that we've managed to come to where we are now. I'm happy to be with you now, and I was happy to be with you then.
I want you to know that I will be happy to be with you tomorrow as well, and I want you to never forget that.
Never forget that I love you. That I would pick you again a hundred times over.
Never forget that I'm slowly starting to make this an extremely mushy internet-blog-letter-thing.
Or that I'm an asshole. That one is important too.
I love you Devon.

-Zack

Fine.
Have fun at the beach.