tonight I feel like writing

but not having proper grammar or punctuation so much. I really don't care too much for my run ons atm i just wanna type out what comes to my mind and only cap where the compulsion has become automatic and uncontrolable. I don't care if I don't make sense tonight I really just want to write. I want it to make sense, I want it to be deep and shallow and obvious yet subtle...but it won't be and I know it. I can feel it.
I just hope it says what I want to say tonight.

I sometimes wonder if I can't find a way to trick you or help you or change you or twist everything around. I want you to be comfortable and not intimidated and not worry about me and my feelings I want you to focus in and think about the things you feel and how it bothers or doesn't bother you. I want you to search it all and figure out what you need to do or feel or have me do for you. I want to be able to satisfy you sexually, even if that means we're not having sex, I want to be able to do that for you.

Sometimes I feel like I could get more back from you which likely sounds like a complaint or some lament of the situation I am in or the lack of something that is leaving me unhappy or displeased. I just thought I'd mention it in passing, the same way it comes to me in passing whenever I am doing whatever I am doing when the thought stops in for a brief moment on its way to some other place, where discarded thoughts go I guess. I sometimes feel like laughing when you ask me about how I feel or if it bugs me. Physically it is extremely taxing at times to resist the temptation because I've always been one who easily succumbs to my whims and the sudden opportunities or thoughts that drift in momentarily. Physically, not having sex with you can be pretty hard sometimes when we both have lusty moments. Emotionally, its a cake walk. I feel more complete with you then I've felt with anyone else. I've weighed the entire situation and quite frankly I'm ok with how things have turned out and how they're turning out.

You're almost 18. I'm excited for you. Landmark 1 reached. Don't aim for Graduation for your next landmark though...aim for Spring Break. Its much closer. Or my Birthday, whichever is closer. Take very small steps until you can bypass the sudden physical urges that are going to kind of start cropping up as we get closer and closer to summer. If all else fails, don't even aim for significant dates or numbers or days. Aim for Saturday. If you're feeling particularly want-y then aim for midnight or the next morning, or the very hour I get out of my car and go back inside. The closer it seems the more you'll feel like, "I can make it..." Just set a goal you can guarantee you can reach.

At the same time dear, don't be afraid of me if you suddenly have a change of heart (of which I'm doubting :P) as I won't be upset with you. I am behind you. I'm beside you. I want to help you with the goals you've set, help you accomplish whatever it is you want to do. If you want to be a virgin forever, I'd work with you. If you just wanted to get laid on your 18th birthday for some unknown reason, I'd work with you. If you wanted to go to Greece, I'll work with you.

HOP flight, next summer, to Europe. Me, You, the English Channel and a rent-a-car. Greece is just a couple of hotels away, we can see the world along the way.

I like that line, but back to my thoughts.

My oh my, I can't wait for the 5th. I'm always afraid of relationships. Every day I live with a tiny bit of fear that all the trust I've put in someone is going to be dashed again. I never completely dtrusted liz from dy one...and we often fought about it because she told me I had nothing to worry about. She'd never leave me for some stupid reason, especially nothing physical, after all the waiting I'd done for her.
you know how that ended.
With you, I've given so much I think I'd simply break. It scares me and so I try as hard as I can to be truly me all the time so that I never give you something fake. I never give you a wild card that might turn you off and make you suddenly bolt.

I miss Alex Skelton. He was such a great friend and he's gone now.
I miss Carinne Deleone. She was a good friend and now she's gone as well.
I miss Meagan. She was a good friend, but I've grown away from her and its for the best I think.

I have money and I'm being very frugal with it and where I spend it, although I don't seem it. I don't want to let it all burn away and leave me stranded with empty pockets and nothing to show for it. I have so much invisible debt it kind of frightens me.

I cried a couple nights ago. My room was cold, my dog didn't want to stay with me, my parents weren't very interested in talking to me about anything but WoW, and Shannon wasn't around to keep me company. That's how you know I was low I wanted comfort from my brother who never appreciates anything I give him or do for him, but only notices what I fail at when it concerns him.
I cried because, all of a sudden, I accidentally was alone. My family, whom I had once been deathly close to, had estranged me and my want to make them a part of everything in my life by simply stepping all over me whenever I tried to get permission to do something without being deceptive. My brother betrayed me, although that was long ago, it still weighs heavy on my heart in dark moments. My best friends were gone and Justen and I were always so busy we never see each other. His ROTC and his soon to be out-of-state college life sweeping him farther and farther from me. My other friends were estranged by the ultimate killer of friendships, distance. My girlfriend was quitting her old job and her new job was taking a lot out of her, as well as competing with plans we'd made. I spent the majority of that day calling the managers to help me, and since I worked the long (but not quite closing) shift I managed to annoy two managers on the same day. I felt in ept, I felt useless, I suddenly felt that no matter how hard I tried I may never suceed because of how hard I'd failed at High School despite how easy it was. I felt entirely hopeless as far as any form of large scale success was concerned.
I had no family, none of my friends were close, and I felt as if the only friends I had at the moment were all racing off to success and freedom thanks to their jobs and activities. I felt in-ept at my new job and as f I was either going to be fired soon for lack of competance or some of complication. I had no car and was once again a slave to everyone else's schedule. I don't leave without assistance and I can't come home without being carted their by someone else. And finally, all the money I was earning belonged to someone else so it was simply non-existant and being given to me so it can fell into the deep hole I'd dug in the hopes it might keep me from burying myself alive.
I cried hard and long.
I cried until it droned into nothing more than a whimper beneath my breath and the occasional double-breath that one often associates with sobbing, without tears.
I cried until the sun came up and the next day began.

I wiped my face off, brewed coffee, and called the girl so we could hang out and I could find out if we hung out. She said no and the rest of the day was kind of a blur.
I worked a long shift which was slow and criticized. I didn't care.
I wanted to walk home. I wanted to grow cold in the night air and simply leave myself sway to the night air.

That night, I picked up my cell phone and stared at it for a couple of seconds. I was deciding if I was going to call Justen and try to meet him...
Or set the phone down and start walking.

I'm glad I called him.

I don't know where I would have walked. I don't know what I would have done.
Would I have gone to someone's house? To the edge of town? Back home?
No, not home. Back to my Parent's house.
My home isn't there anymore. that's just not how I feel now.

Even if your dad dislikes me leaving my clothes in your house. Even if your mom dislikes that I broke a couple of plates and no longer do the dishes (which I wasn't good at either as far as her standards went for the protocol on dish-washing). Even if your dog secretly despises me for accidentally tossing her and hurting her. Even if your brother looks for every possible chance to try and rat me out because, somewhere deep down, he's prolly not fond of me because I'm hogging all his sister time. Even if I scratched your paint job.
I still think my home is wherever you are.
wherever that may be.

I'm tired and my thoughts are jumbled. It jumps back and back towards the sexually insecure obsessions we've had over the past week. Little things of note, little thoughts here and there. Nothing really important or noteworthy or that I haven't already mentioned 100000 times to you already.

So
I love you Devon.
I miss our summer hang out time Justen.
I hope things are fine for you Meagan.
I hope Missouri is giving you all you want Alex.
I hope your dad isn't keeping you sheltered and your new Zach isn't going to leave you as soon as you start to truly fall for him Carinne.

I'm going to bed. Goodnight those who read, those who don't, and those who are just waking up.