He frowned a little, always an awkward way of entering concentration as he reached slowly across the tiny gap between them. It was like walking on water, as if there was something blocking him as he reached slowly across with both hands, the points fingers outstretched vigilantly. He placed the tip of each finger on opposite ends of her lips. Softly, he pushed them upwards as he feebly tried to make her smile.

She'd always done it to him when he was unhappy.

I taste like failure and exhaustion.
Tomorrow I am speaking to Tera about being trained in the Customer Service Desk and the Lottery stuff.
Perhaps I will feel more fulfilled that way.

To satisfy some of my Zombie Madness...

I have decided to pool some of my money for getting an Xbox 360 sometime in the VERY near future.

FUCK THE WEEKEND FUCK IT

This is a disappointing week.

Monday was stolen, everything I planned went to hell in all kinds of ways.
Tuesday was a shitty work day.
Wednesday was like Monday, only I had nothing planned and so I did nothing.
Thursday was full of hunger pangs and migraines.
Friday heralded the start of a fight and shot Saturday in the foot.

I wish I could be more disappointed about it all.
I'm just mad she doesn't want to talk to me right now.

Baby baby can't you see, I'm just trying to live freely.
Hold onto my kite, don't let me touch the ground.

Take a breath my dear, don't rush into everything.
Take her out to coffee, or tea, or shopping.
Have a girls day, just you and her.
Find a way to pull her away from everyone else and have a girl day.
Then just tell her, randomly or something on the ride there.

Your family seems far more understanding than mine, and that is what worked for me.

Except...it was pimple popping in the bathroom...but that's not the point.

Because

I can.
Do I need any other reason to love you?

Does it make me shallow...to connect with a Starbucks coffee cup?

The Way I See It # 76, A quote by Anne Morriss, a Starbucks customer

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love. The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation. To commit is to remove your head as the barrier in your life.


I liked the quote. I connected.
So how deep does that make me?

I don't care where we are in our relationship right now.
I'm not too concerned where we might be going at the moment.
All I know is that tomorrow is another chance for me to spend one more moment of my place in forever with you.
And yesterday I danced to Bubbly with you.
Everytime I hear it on the radio, I smile.

I miss your kisses.
I miss making out.
I miss kitchen dancing.
I miss mac'n'cheese cuddles.
I miss your summer clothes.
I miss your coy grin when it is you who wants me. (Usually I get you before I can get that grin)
I miss your soft hands.
I miss Salt'n'Vinegar chips.
I miss being pulled aside.
I miss sleeping on your shoulder.
I miss the beach towels.
I miss the sunrise and pancakes and eggs for breakfast.




I still remember your favorite game.

So she sleeps.
She always looks so peaceful when she sleeps, curled against me breathing softly at my neck, entirely unaware how aroused the tingly warmth makes me.
She always sounds so peaceful as well, as if she has finally given herself a break, taken a moment of time to recooperate from all the personal hardships she places upon herself.

I was happy. I saw her old smile come back today. It was the best present.

it is my birthday and I am spending it with my girlfriend. yay fun

Frrom my gf's computer

I like Cake. The food and the band.
One is delicious. The other is almost timelessly hip.

It is nice.

The girlfriend is power napping because she has burnt herself out...over and over and over.
Poor thing.
I hope she feels better after the nap.
I am going to go back to her now.
bye.

If I threw my guitar out the window, so far down.
Would I start to regret it, or would I smile and watch it slowly fall?
As Frank Sinatra sings Stormy Weather the flies and spiders get along together.
Well sheep go to heaven and goats go to hell, and Satan is my motor.
I'm commisioning a symphony in C because...
I am an opera singer.

Tonight, I wrote for you.
Tomorrow, I am picking up a third journal.
One day, I will give them all to you.
Until then, I hope the suspense keeps you coming back to me.

I am joining the military.
I will take my asvab soon.
Then it is off to bootcamp next year...or so.
Such a long waiting line.

My girlfriend is concerned about honesty should I leave for a time.
I once worried about that after I realized how much I love this woman who I have found myself with.
At that moment I took the oath I'd made to myself to a new level.

Never shall I drink, for fear I might find myself one morning in the bed of some other woman or even in the arms of her during the same night.
The drugs can have someone else, for I shall not let myself commit myself to them and not this woman I love.

No distance, no time, and nothing else I can think of to date has the power to sway me from this course save the woman in question leaving me, or me leaving her. Both are about as likely as me spontaneously turning into a penguin with bear paws and a beaver tail.

I understand your fear, but I can say that you need not worry about me. If you are willing to stay with me, and you love me...

Well, if you truly love me...

Any mistake can be forgiven my dear.

Even the ones you haven't commited yet. The ones you will never commit. And the ones you fear you might or could commit.

And my dear, I already have forgiven anything you could do so long as you still love me.

Today, I worked for several hours. I missed out on a gorgeous beach day. I played some mean, and crappy, pool games.
I bought flowers which just didn't seem to cut it since I forgot the note. I spent a few minutes with my girlfriend. I was given a couple of shirts and a belt.
I smell like smoke. I taste like smoke. I am eating cookies because everyone else is asleep. The cookies do not taste like smoke.
I have pool chalk and the like all over my hands and I wish I had some milk for my cookies.
I plan to do some dishes and see the beach today with my new friend, my best friend, and my old best friend. As well as their associated women.
Some may show up, some may not.
I don't have a dime to my name for my wallet.

Frankly, life could only be better if I was able to crawl upstairs and share the covers with my lover who would likely already be fast asleep.

Right now I am going to brew some coffee and do some dishes to compensate for that hour we lost a little while ago.
Hopefully, today will be a good day.

I have my birthday off.
I didn't request it off.
I'm kind of secretly happy about that.

For the two most important people to me...

My dear, I could spend years away from you and I would still write you letters every week, every day, every time I had something to say I would send it all to you.
I love you...and it is driving me crazy that I never feel like I express it enough.

My friend, you have some of your dreams coming true around you and with it, sacrifices.
Take hold of your destiny and hold of that which you love and venture forth with no fear as to the consequences that shall take hold. Should love prove true, you will persevere. As a fortune cookie once told me, "Courage is not the absence of fear, it is conquering it." So, fear nothing, fear no one, and most of all, stand tall. No matter the distance, you may always send me a letter, an e-mail, or give me a call. I will do everything I can to help you out. I know that, being as it is, you will be leaving and this is both exciting and stressful to you for so many reasons.
However, when you read this, I hope you know that I would go as far as needed to ensure everything works out for you.

I...feel tired.

I work hard. I work harder. People are helping me, lots of people.
All kinds of people.
I work a lot, I work more than anyone. Yet...
It seems hard sometimes to get out of bed in the morning.
I sometimes feel as if the days are getting longer and I'm getting older,
and nothing good is coming of it.

I was given a note today. I held onto it and didn't read it until the very end of work.
You know, because I wasn't going to get to see my girlfriend today.
It made me smile a little.
Now I sit here, watching the computer screen phase in and out before my eyes, and it occurs to me that I am tired but not tired at the same time.
I miss the way she used to be able to hold me for hours at a time.
Those hours seem... so far away now.
I don't mind though, they are memories well spent.
I wouldn't spend them any other way with any other person.

I know you're a a party where things aren't kosher...
A part of my is constantly afraid, the part of me that is making my stomach turn over right now, is worried you will take a try and get lost with someone interesting for just a night.
Another part of me, the part of me that chuckled when you told me, hopes you take a shot at it and see what it is all about.
The first one is worried and jealous that someone else is getting to be with you.
The other part of me knows you'll hate the lack of control and trusts that you're his anyways.

Days like this, I wish I was as confident as that part of me always seems to be...
I might make it through my life a bit easier...

My little chef, think you can cook me something nice to settle the nerves that make my cheeks go red everytime you hide your blushing face? Can you give me another chance to try and help you in that big kitchen you have planned out in your future where you plan to make dinner for that beautiful little family you hope to have one day? I think I would like to be around in your kitchen.
Someone needs to do the dishes when you're done.

reminded me of you (Angles and Errors by Park)

There's a selfless soul I'm seeking

One that wants nothing, just look after me

Such is a seldom seed, planted far from the sun

And full of hope, she's not yet gone

Well lift your sleeves

So bare they might see

Your angles and errors

Arms that have shared you

With every heart etched in your skin

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry, for who I am

If such a pillowed hand worth holding

Staggers into palms which are running

Take a taste to be taken away I do believe

Centerfold, now to complete

Can someone be

More of a mother to me?

Discern out my thoughts

Correct all my verses

Show me I'm wanted every night

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry, for who I am

It's such a sad eclipse, fired sure as a bullet

Such a tatter, on a chest that will not happen

I take a chance, to be taken away a

And suddenly fall back into place

I'm so sorry (everyday now it's true)

I'm so sorry (everyday now it's true)

I'm so sorry (everyday now it's true)

I'm so sorry (everyday now)

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry

I'm so sorry, for who I am

The saddest thing I've ever seen was nothing more than a simple dream,
Lost forever, wrapped in my sheets, I watched the window endlessly.
The moon hung deftly, wrapped in night and dancing with the stars,
A tiny melody, stuck in my head, was playing forever for me.
Yet I was afraid of the dark, so I watched the clock restless,
And hours flew by, and morning came, but the moon watched onwards, relentless.




On a side note, "Little Motel" by Modest Mouse has a very sad music video.

There she sat, curled up with her face pressed against her knees in the dim, almost eerie light of the bathroom. Although I couldn't see her face when she finally let me in, I felt as f I understood the emotion which had eluded her. I felt as if I knew what it was on her mind.
She, firstly, had no idea what she felt. Was it good or bad or uncomfortable? The simple lack of knowledge of it left her appalled and emotionally unbalanced. At that moment, she wanted to cry. More importantly, she wanted a reason to cry. Or at least a reason to not cry so she could scold herself for crying senselessly. Instead, there was nothing. Instead, she could find no feeling at all, no emotion to describe and no cause for her actions save some tingle which had made her act as she had.
There I was, confused and disturbed by that thought. At a loss for words as I knew not how to help her. I felt my stomach turn at my helplessness and the weight of the world seemed to crash upon me as I was lost, unable to help her. I couldn't help her stop crying because she wasn't crying. I couldn't help her hate me, or stop hating me, because she didn't feel either of those. I could relieve discomfort, because she was so oddly between comfort and discomfort that there was nothing I could do. Quite simply, I was powerless.
And it scared me.
Why must the girl I love be so far from my reach even when she is right beside me?

I don't know why I didn't...
because I even jump down my family's throat when they say anything possibly negative about you...
So why I didn't do it to him...
I don't know.
I'm ashamed at the spineless nature of the act.

No coffee, no cookies, no food, no devonzacktime, no devontime whatsoever, no KFC.
Lots of bitching, lots of work, and lots of my family.


Fuck today. Just...

FUCK

This morning.
I woke up, skipped coffee (which I made fresh) and took shannon to school.
It was cold.
Then I came back, got mother coffee, sean breakfast, and then warmed up the prius.
Still pretty cold.
Came inside, saw them off, ran the stairs.
I was hungry.
Didn't know what to eat, didn't really care to eat at that time, so I skipped that too.
I was pretty hot.
Ran the stairs more, tried to play some games but mother discouraged it.
I drank some water.
Caffiene jitters started, so I drowned it out by working with the rower in my room (soon to be sean's).
Now I was sweating.
Watched Ocean's 13, then around 10:45 I decided I was hungry and needing caffiene.
So I showered.
The works, all with a shave, a good teethbrushing, and even some lotion.
Then I went downstairs.
Now I'm writing because I know soon I will be picking up both of my brothers from school before I leave the house for the night.
They will both be ungrateful.

You think with the hot shower, and all the working out...

I'm...hungry...

and in the winter, I find you as more than just a girl. I find you as more than simply a lover. I see you as more than just my everything.
You become my warmth. In every passing moment I search for a way to wrap myself in you and chase off these chilled moments. To force this terrible freeze to be little more than a fleeting draft.
I apologize for drawing closer, hands locked tightly with intertwined fingers which press my palms against your lower back so that I might overcome that awkward skinniness in myself and your unique back arch. Pardon the way I react to your almost heady scent when it forces its way into my mind and clouds every sense which I own. Excuse me if I wish nothing more than to press myself tighter into you during these cold days.
At least my passion is not dampened by the chill. At least I am not cold towards you.
Oh no, I strive to bring you warmth as well, come share yourself with me.

RP character development

His left foot hung over the edge of the high rise, dangling precariously as if they were the very thoughts which threatened to leap from his mind and into the abyss of forgetting. That empty sort of place where all things you lose seem to drift too when you're not paying attention. Such simple things like her name, the color of the sky, the list of things he might need to bring home from the store, his bills, and the way home. Superfluous things always seemed to slide into that void when he wasn't paying close attention to them.
His brown hair hung lazily into his eyes, swaying softly in the breeze that only reached the roof he'd chosen to perch on this afternoon. Behind his bangs, soft brown eyes stared complacently towards the sky, searching for the clouds that wouldn't grace the sky on this cloudless day, lost in empty thought. The kind of thought which has no goal, no start, and no topic; the kind of thought which facilitated his forgetting. Let him wander lazily into an unknown place far beyond his realization. A place where he could be God, Hero, and Villain as well. He could do whatever he wanted. It was like being a writer, an artist, and a mastermind all at once. He could create anything.
Imagination was so beautiful.

((J, I think I am going to make this a 2 fold RP...you would like it. One set here in the material world and the other set somewhere else, the imagination...but somehow the worlds both characters drift too can be intertwined somehow.))

When I dream tonight, I will find myself in your arms.
When I wake, it will only be cold and lonely.

This morning, I heard birds as I sat up, pensively going over the speech I will be giving my parents before I leave.

for a single moment, the only things I could think of were sparrows, how far off a good night's sleep felt,

and what an amazing feeling it would be if I were married to you and had instead woken up beside you this morning.



I'm sorry I cried.

Bad omens, back with a vengeance.
The old school fighting revamped and seen in new lights.
Troubles are now bigger than ever.
Peril is now imminent in every turn.
Everything has been upgraded to something beyond that which it should have been in the first place.
Plans have been dashed.
Logic has been abandoned.
All out carnage.
At each others throats.
All in a days work among my family.

Yet, there you are waiting patiently for the dust to settle, come what will, come what may, waiting ever so patiently to see how I will turn out in the end.