Friday, January 22, 2010
This will be...the last time I write here. The last time I write to the Devon that once loved me. I hope she's out there listening, this is very important to me. This is not going to be a short project. This is truly going to be my final labor of love. I don't know if she'll read it, I don't know if she even exists anymore. The Devon that is left shows no reactions to anything that has to do with the relationship. I don't know what is left behind...I'll have to meet this person anew. However. This is important because by the time I finish this, I will have burned the letter that was to go into the box I am finishing as the first addition to my former lover's collection of letters and notebooks.
This is where that letter will go.
It probably doesn't mean anything, it won't change anything, it won't fix anything, it won't even bring back anything. The hurting will continue until I finish it and leave it for dead elsewhere in the world. I will put the dead thing into the pile alongside my feelings for Liz, the feelings I had for Meagan, the feelings I had for Sarah, for Carinne, for Alyssa. I will lay it there and bury it and I will never look back. The idea of doing this is difficult, which has brought me to the nesscessity of leaving this final testament of my love somewhere to be seen. As if an epitaph, in some ways, perhaps a final cry to the person falling ever farther from me...I don't know for sure.
Dear Devon,
I decided that I wanted to write you a letter that would be the first of many you receive from me in the coming years. The first of many we can put together into some kind of diary to track how everything started to happen from the moment you got this box, until I attended boot camp, to when I graduate, and so forth. I wanted to write something of an anniversary, happy birthday, deeply gratifying kind of thing so you would know that the gift you missed for Christmas came back doubled on your birthday. I appreciated the card you gave me, by the way, it was really cute and I have it on my mantle next to all the other keepsakes. It looks nice and I felt really blushy when I got it, although I did a damn good job of keeping the blush down. Sure, I know its some storebought card, but its still really fitting and sweet. I don't remember if I said thank you, so here it is now. Thank you. Anyways, back to the nitty gritty. I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how I was feeling, I'd say what I was doing but I've obviously decided to write the letter, and this letter is what I'm already doing. Right now I feel worn out, I had to travel all over the damn place to get all this stupid ass wood, and I went and broke nearly all of it. I'm covered in brown paint because I wanted to make it like, that almost mahogony brown color cause I think it looks nice. Not to mention, I'm really happy because I just got to see you not too long ago and I'm really looking forwards to going to New Years with you. I have been applying lip balm constantly because when you give me a kiss, I want to have it be a really nice kiss. It'll be like a super kiss because we've come this far and we're almost out of the cold cold winter. I guess I wanted to also tell you this winter scared me. We were out partying, which you haven't done in a long time, and doing all kinds of other fun stuff. I am a little afraid that in the rush of it all, I'm going to start seeming a lot more boring, but if we can just get out of winter, I won't be so concerned about how lame I am in comparison to Tom and Knick and Dreylick and everyone else. I know you're upset about me smoking occasionally, but it gives me a good chance to catch up with Shannon when he goes out for a cigarette. I'm sorry too that I always want to smoke when I'm drunk. I'll stay away from alcohol after New Years so that I'll stop going near cigarettes so you won't have to worry about it anymore. I'm excited about the next year too! You'll be turning 19 and I'll be giving you this letter and you'll be all giddy and happy with the box and you're just, ugh. I'm so excited. You just, make me so happy. I've been really sketch lately, occasionally argumentative, but I figure we've been dating so long, that's totally normally. People have to fight every now and then, we've gone SO long without any kind of drama, that a little fighting seems perfectly normal to me. Sure, sometimes Heather annoys me, but you know what? She's your friend and even if I'm going to complain about it, I'm totally going to just deal with it. I reckon you'll kiss her on New Year's too, you two are really silly with your sombrero parties and shit. At least its good fun. As for me, I'm just waiting for New Year's to come through and around so that I can start holding your hand again and taking you places. I called ahead of time and I have a reservation at Aldo's for dinner on the 5th. I don't want to tell you, but I do. Its so hard, but I've managed to make it this far without saying anything, so why not a little more? I have flowers and stuff too! I spent all my Christmas money on it for you. It's going to be GREAT haha. Still, by the time you read it...you're going to already know! Isn't that awesome?! I'll have told you a secret you already knew! Or something like that. Its whatever, the point is you'll get to dress up again and I know you haven't done it in awhile. I'm sure you're just itching to put on your good clothes and go be lady-like. You always look so nice when you're dressed up. I wish I had some nicer dressy clothes so I could match you better. Such a shame. However, yea, I've been prepping myself to work out and what not so you can have a fit good looking boyfriend. I want to make that my New Year's resolution. I'm going to say something when asked like, working out or some shit. But, here's the secret! I'm totally going to be giving you something to be proud of, as well as prepping for boot camp. Its a two for one deal! That way you can touch my tummy when we lay around and do that giddy little giggle when you think about sexy abs. Hmmm, what else can I say...this letter's not long enough if you ask me! I don't want to be done. I'm going to get something to eat...and then write more. I'm starving!
Ok I'm back Lover. Its been a few hours and I decided to jam to music on the Ipod you gave me. So kind of you, that's why this gift has to be PERFECT. I'm working really hard on it. The box is about as tall as my hand is wide...its just big enough to fit the notebook we kept while I was bombing out of college and falling deeply in love with you. I want that to be at the bottom so you can keep track of it all, I can see it there! Oh, the memories are so nice, and just thinking about it I want to gush them on paper...but I won't. I'll talk to you about them on birthday pillow talk. I know I'll sleep over, the usual after all. Sleeping alone at my house is so hard babe, I'm so used to your heart beat now adays. Oh right, I didn't really want to tell you about this one, but I might as well since this seems to be honesty hour. Did you know when you fall all the way asleep I sneak over there and softly tug your hands and turn you over so you can lay against my chest on your side? You usually offer a slight sleepy groan and nuzzle right in against me. Its so nice to have your tiny self just wedged in against me. I usually lay there for a couple minutes or so, its hard to keep track, and brush my fingers through your hair and kiss your forehead. You're so ridiculously beautiful. I want to take you to the sunrise again soon, I might do that on the 5th after dinner. We'll stay up all night and talk and maybe have some sex because we haven't really in awhile, and then I'll take you out in the morning and we'll watch the sun come up like we did before. We'll drive up to 75th like we did all summer and we'll sit there and talk about the little crabs as we snuggle up in blankets and recount all kinds of silly things to each other waiting for the day to truly begin. I like to think that our relationship is really just beginning. The more I learn about you, the more I feel there's more to learn. It makes me feel you're just, the most interesting person ever. I'm really glad we met. You've helped me through a lot, taught me a lot about myself, and you've just loved me so much. You practically helped give me a second family. I'm so happy with you, I don't even think you can fathom how much you mean to me. I keep trying to write you a song and I keep coming up with crap...I want to write you something wonderful that'll just, capture everything without blatently saying it. It'll be awesome if I can actually do it. However, I'm really tired now, and I think Justen's going to play games with me...I'm going to write more tomorrow. This thing can't be done. Heh, it is starting to look like the journal. Do you still read it on occasion?
Ah! New Year's tonight. I'm inexplicably upset at Shannon right now, he's insisting that we not bring you and Heather. I can see why no Heather, but I really really want you to be there. If you can't come, I'm going to go to whatever New Year's Party you're going to. I am going to spend it with you, do or die. I feel really off today, I hope the festivities cheer me up. My family is rubbing me the wrong way right now so bleh, but whatever. I'm going to write about something happier since this isn't supposed to EXACTLY be a journal haha. I think its kind of spectacular you have managed to keep yourself with me despite all these awesome people around us. However, I guess my loving you really helps in that. Its so nice to not be out there without snuggles, Justen doesn't have any of that anymore and he always complains. I'm always rubbing it in his face how much closer the two of us are. Its really good sometimes to have that there to keep me running. Hmm, reading over this, I have no idea what else I can say. I've said quite a bit haha, but I love trying to think of more I can say to you without recounting memories. Its nice to know that I can always talk to you. Well, maybe if I think of something else to write I'll add to it later. I'm going to go bathe and stuff and get ready for the party tonight. I LOVE YOU!
There it is, in its entirety perfectly copied so as to not lose any of its value. Consider it a collector's item, its value should increase exponentially in any of the coming days...at least that's what I hope. I want it to become the last relic of a dead time so that I can truly know I've moved on. I want to be happy for the woman that replaced my lover. The one who gets drunk every few nights and hooks up with people who were our friends. Has sex with other people, kisses other people, has her own circle of people who're interested in dating her. That girl is the one who replaced the girl I fell in love with. Just like every girl I date, I seem to make them more desirable and open. Then they leave me and have wonderful times doing whatever they please with whomever they want.
I'm simply a dog on his lead, tied to the porch until some other needing soul unties me and walks me until they're done. Foolishly, I'm undyingly loyal to whomever rescues me from that fate...
I hate all of this. I hate everything that has come of this. I wish on New Year's I had just said nothing, then there would have not been this falling out. It wouldn't have happened. We would have recovered, things would have changed, we'd have become happy again in due time. Everything would be perfect. Instead, I finally found something I have done which I regret.
DO YOU HEAR ME DEVON? I FINALLY REGRET SOMETHING! I FINALLY HAVE TRULY DONE SOMETHING THAT I REGRET. THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I REGRET!
It is pointless, Devon is gone. She isn't there anymore, is she? All I have left are memories of someone who died at the turn of the year...instead she was replaced with this thing which only brings me pain now.
Even re-writing my letter made me smile. I miss you so much my love. I think I always will.
I truly miss you, but I just can't say good bye. It hurts too much. All I can taste now is my tears as they run down my face and I fight everything in me to finish this final entry. I don't want to finish it, because I don't want to say good bye. It hurts more than anything to think that you're going to disappear from my life. I've been so loyal, I tried so hard. I want to just go back and tell you to try harder. Tell you to not give up on me, to give me another chance. To just hold onto me and don't leave me. I'm not ready for you to leave.
I'm not ready to lose the long nights together laying there talking about nothing. The car rides, the days I'd accompany you to work at the bar and hang around the kitchen. Clubbing and parties and our fake vacation weekend. I'm not ready to lose this connection, I'm not ready. Once, you gave yourself to me, and now you're off giving yourself to others. You're already gone and I'm not even ready to consider moving on without you. I'm so stuck I'm STILL continuing all of this. I keep saying over and over again that THIS is the last and THIS is the last and THIS is the last. I don't want it to be the last. I don't want good-bye. I don't want you to go out with Knick, or anyone.
I want to take you out again. I want to take you back to batman and just start everything over again. I want to talk to you in the car for hours, then go to waffle house. I want to relearn your scars and your skin and your heartbeat and your breath and your hugs and your kisses. I want to relearn your favorite colors and your favorite season and your best friends and your favorite places. I want to go on walks again, and watch movies again, and be introduced to your family again, and you to mine. I want to go back. I can't handle this, its just too much. I can talk so strong all the time, but the moment I'm alone it all comes rushing back to me and I break down all over again.
I just want, I want another, I want another chance to love Devon. Why can't you find it anymore? I wish you knew, I wish I knew. I just want to love you again. You were so wonderful and I just want to love you again. But you said you don't love me anymore and it hurt. You tore my heart out. You ruined me...I just can't handle it. It hurts, physically and mentally. Its truly physical heartache. I turn out the lights and weep myself to sleep clutching my broken heart in the hopes I push it back together again.
I just want to love you again Devon...I just want you to talk to me and understand it...I just don't understand it though...it was so beautiful and I was so happy and then it was gone. Why did you have to stop loving me? Why... I just....I just...I can't stop...I love you still...I can't stop Devon. You never gave me back my heart...
This is where that letter will go.
It probably doesn't mean anything, it won't change anything, it won't fix anything, it won't even bring back anything. The hurting will continue until I finish it and leave it for dead elsewhere in the world. I will put the dead thing into the pile alongside my feelings for Liz, the feelings I had for Meagan, the feelings I had for Sarah, for Carinne, for Alyssa. I will lay it there and bury it and I will never look back. The idea of doing this is difficult, which has brought me to the nesscessity of leaving this final testament of my love somewhere to be seen. As if an epitaph, in some ways, perhaps a final cry to the person falling ever farther from me...I don't know for sure.
Dear Devon,
I decided that I wanted to write you a letter that would be the first of many you receive from me in the coming years. The first of many we can put together into some kind of diary to track how everything started to happen from the moment you got this box, until I attended boot camp, to when I graduate, and so forth. I wanted to write something of an anniversary, happy birthday, deeply gratifying kind of thing so you would know that the gift you missed for Christmas came back doubled on your birthday. I appreciated the card you gave me, by the way, it was really cute and I have it on my mantle next to all the other keepsakes. It looks nice and I felt really blushy when I got it, although I did a damn good job of keeping the blush down. Sure, I know its some storebought card, but its still really fitting and sweet. I don't remember if I said thank you, so here it is now. Thank you. Anyways, back to the nitty gritty. I wanted to write you a letter to tell you how I was feeling, I'd say what I was doing but I've obviously decided to write the letter, and this letter is what I'm already doing. Right now I feel worn out, I had to travel all over the damn place to get all this stupid ass wood, and I went and broke nearly all of it. I'm covered in brown paint because I wanted to make it like, that almost mahogony brown color cause I think it looks nice. Not to mention, I'm really happy because I just got to see you not too long ago and I'm really looking forwards to going to New Years with you. I have been applying lip balm constantly because when you give me a kiss, I want to have it be a really nice kiss. It'll be like a super kiss because we've come this far and we're almost out of the cold cold winter. I guess I wanted to also tell you this winter scared me. We were out partying, which you haven't done in a long time, and doing all kinds of other fun stuff. I am a little afraid that in the rush of it all, I'm going to start seeming a lot more boring, but if we can just get out of winter, I won't be so concerned about how lame I am in comparison to Tom and Knick and Dreylick and everyone else. I know you're upset about me smoking occasionally, but it gives me a good chance to catch up with Shannon when he goes out for a cigarette. I'm sorry too that I always want to smoke when I'm drunk. I'll stay away from alcohol after New Years so that I'll stop going near cigarettes so you won't have to worry about it anymore. I'm excited about the next year too! You'll be turning 19 and I'll be giving you this letter and you'll be all giddy and happy with the box and you're just, ugh. I'm so excited. You just, make me so happy. I've been really sketch lately, occasionally argumentative, but I figure we've been dating so long, that's totally normally. People have to fight every now and then, we've gone SO long without any kind of drama, that a little fighting seems perfectly normal to me. Sure, sometimes Heather annoys me, but you know what? She's your friend and even if I'm going to complain about it, I'm totally going to just deal with it. I reckon you'll kiss her on New Year's too, you two are really silly with your sombrero parties and shit. At least its good fun. As for me, I'm just waiting for New Year's to come through and around so that I can start holding your hand again and taking you places. I called ahead of time and I have a reservation at Aldo's for dinner on the 5th. I don't want to tell you, but I do. Its so hard, but I've managed to make it this far without saying anything, so why not a little more? I have flowers and stuff too! I spent all my Christmas money on it for you. It's going to be GREAT haha. Still, by the time you read it...you're going to already know! Isn't that awesome?! I'll have told you a secret you already knew! Or something like that. Its whatever, the point is you'll get to dress up again and I know you haven't done it in awhile. I'm sure you're just itching to put on your good clothes and go be lady-like. You always look so nice when you're dressed up. I wish I had some nicer dressy clothes so I could match you better. Such a shame. However, yea, I've been prepping myself to work out and what not so you can have a fit good looking boyfriend. I want to make that my New Year's resolution. I'm going to say something when asked like, working out or some shit. But, here's the secret! I'm totally going to be giving you something to be proud of, as well as prepping for boot camp. Its a two for one deal! That way you can touch my tummy when we lay around and do that giddy little giggle when you think about sexy abs. Hmmm, what else can I say...this letter's not long enough if you ask me! I don't want to be done. I'm going to get something to eat...and then write more. I'm starving!
Ok I'm back Lover. Its been a few hours and I decided to jam to music on the Ipod you gave me. So kind of you, that's why this gift has to be PERFECT. I'm working really hard on it. The box is about as tall as my hand is wide...its just big enough to fit the notebook we kept while I was bombing out of college and falling deeply in love with you. I want that to be at the bottom so you can keep track of it all, I can see it there! Oh, the memories are so nice, and just thinking about it I want to gush them on paper...but I won't. I'll talk to you about them on birthday pillow talk. I know I'll sleep over, the usual after all. Sleeping alone at my house is so hard babe, I'm so used to your heart beat now adays. Oh right, I didn't really want to tell you about this one, but I might as well since this seems to be honesty hour. Did you know when you fall all the way asleep I sneak over there and softly tug your hands and turn you over so you can lay against my chest on your side? You usually offer a slight sleepy groan and nuzzle right in against me. Its so nice to have your tiny self just wedged in against me. I usually lay there for a couple minutes or so, its hard to keep track, and brush my fingers through your hair and kiss your forehead. You're so ridiculously beautiful. I want to take you to the sunrise again soon, I might do that on the 5th after dinner. We'll stay up all night and talk and maybe have some sex because we haven't really in awhile, and then I'll take you out in the morning and we'll watch the sun come up like we did before. We'll drive up to 75th like we did all summer and we'll sit there and talk about the little crabs as we snuggle up in blankets and recount all kinds of silly things to each other waiting for the day to truly begin. I like to think that our relationship is really just beginning. The more I learn about you, the more I feel there's more to learn. It makes me feel you're just, the most interesting person ever. I'm really glad we met. You've helped me through a lot, taught me a lot about myself, and you've just loved me so much. You practically helped give me a second family. I'm so happy with you, I don't even think you can fathom how much you mean to me. I keep trying to write you a song and I keep coming up with crap...I want to write you something wonderful that'll just, capture everything without blatently saying it. It'll be awesome if I can actually do it. However, I'm really tired now, and I think Justen's going to play games with me...I'm going to write more tomorrow. This thing can't be done. Heh, it is starting to look like the journal. Do you still read it on occasion?
Ah! New Year's tonight. I'm inexplicably upset at Shannon right now, he's insisting that we not bring you and Heather. I can see why no Heather, but I really really want you to be there. If you can't come, I'm going to go to whatever New Year's Party you're going to. I am going to spend it with you, do or die. I feel really off today, I hope the festivities cheer me up. My family is rubbing me the wrong way right now so bleh, but whatever. I'm going to write about something happier since this isn't supposed to EXACTLY be a journal haha. I think its kind of spectacular you have managed to keep yourself with me despite all these awesome people around us. However, I guess my loving you really helps in that. Its so nice to not be out there without snuggles, Justen doesn't have any of that anymore and he always complains. I'm always rubbing it in his face how much closer the two of us are. Its really good sometimes to have that there to keep me running. Hmm, reading over this, I have no idea what else I can say. I've said quite a bit haha, but I love trying to think of more I can say to you without recounting memories. Its nice to know that I can always talk to you. Well, maybe if I think of something else to write I'll add to it later. I'm going to go bathe and stuff and get ready for the party tonight. I LOVE YOU!
There it is, in its entirety perfectly copied so as to not lose any of its value. Consider it a collector's item, its value should increase exponentially in any of the coming days...at least that's what I hope. I want it to become the last relic of a dead time so that I can truly know I've moved on. I want to be happy for the woman that replaced my lover. The one who gets drunk every few nights and hooks up with people who were our friends. Has sex with other people, kisses other people, has her own circle of people who're interested in dating her. That girl is the one who replaced the girl I fell in love with. Just like every girl I date, I seem to make them more desirable and open. Then they leave me and have wonderful times doing whatever they please with whomever they want.
I'm simply a dog on his lead, tied to the porch until some other needing soul unties me and walks me until they're done. Foolishly, I'm undyingly loyal to whomever rescues me from that fate...
I hate all of this. I hate everything that has come of this. I wish on New Year's I had just said nothing, then there would have not been this falling out. It wouldn't have happened. We would have recovered, things would have changed, we'd have become happy again in due time. Everything would be perfect. Instead, I finally found something I have done which I regret.
DO YOU HEAR ME DEVON? I FINALLY REGRET SOMETHING! I FINALLY HAVE TRULY DONE SOMETHING THAT I REGRET. THE FIRST TIME IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I REGRET!
It is pointless, Devon is gone. She isn't there anymore, is she? All I have left are memories of someone who died at the turn of the year...instead she was replaced with this thing which only brings me pain now.
Even re-writing my letter made me smile. I miss you so much my love. I think I always will.
I truly miss you, but I just can't say good bye. It hurts too much. All I can taste now is my tears as they run down my face and I fight everything in me to finish this final entry. I don't want to finish it, because I don't want to say good bye. It hurts more than anything to think that you're going to disappear from my life. I've been so loyal, I tried so hard. I want to just go back and tell you to try harder. Tell you to not give up on me, to give me another chance. To just hold onto me and don't leave me. I'm not ready for you to leave.
I'm not ready to lose the long nights together laying there talking about nothing. The car rides, the days I'd accompany you to work at the bar and hang around the kitchen. Clubbing and parties and our fake vacation weekend. I'm not ready to lose this connection, I'm not ready. Once, you gave yourself to me, and now you're off giving yourself to others. You're already gone and I'm not even ready to consider moving on without you. I'm so stuck I'm STILL continuing all of this. I keep saying over and over again that THIS is the last and THIS is the last and THIS is the last. I don't want it to be the last. I don't want good-bye. I don't want you to go out with Knick, or anyone.
I want to take you out again. I want to take you back to batman and just start everything over again. I want to talk to you in the car for hours, then go to waffle house. I want to relearn your scars and your skin and your heartbeat and your breath and your hugs and your kisses. I want to relearn your favorite colors and your favorite season and your best friends and your favorite places. I want to go on walks again, and watch movies again, and be introduced to your family again, and you to mine. I want to go back. I can't handle this, its just too much. I can talk so strong all the time, but the moment I'm alone it all comes rushing back to me and I break down all over again.
I just want, I want another, I want another chance to love Devon. Why can't you find it anymore? I wish you knew, I wish I knew. I just want to love you again. You were so wonderful and I just want to love you again. But you said you don't love me anymore and it hurt. You tore my heart out. You ruined me...I just can't handle it. It hurts, physically and mentally. Its truly physical heartache. I turn out the lights and weep myself to sleep clutching my broken heart in the hopes I push it back together again.
I just want to love you again Devon...I just want you to talk to me and understand it...I just don't understand it though...it was so beautiful and I was so happy and then it was gone. Why did you have to stop loving me? Why... I just....I just...I can't stop...I love you still...I can't stop Devon. You never gave me back my heart...
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