I have to sort this all out. I'm nervous. I tried to sleep today and managed to finally pull it off...only to be interrupted by my father yelling at my brother.
Inside my room.
No respect.
Either way, I'm awake now. I've done my work, and tomorrow is supposed to be a very big day for me. I'm shaking in my boots.
I'm afraid, I have to have a conversation with a man who's only offered me a half-smile and a stern look at the best of times. I understand he's stoic. I trust that he likes me. I believe that he'll listen to me.
I'm still absolutely terrified by the concept of talking one on one with him.
I just have some internal feeling which tells me that there is no reason good enough that would have him let you go. Despite that fear, I'm still obviously going to try. I'm just antsy. I can already feel my skin crawling underneath his gaze, begging me to be quick and kurt. Begging me to flee and let it be.
I can already picture the look I'll get for the conversation.
His face will maintain that rigid demeanor, lips set in a thin line very likely pressed together slightly. His eyes will sit behind his glasses, stern and discerning and maybe, secretly, enjoying the way I squirm from intimidation. Perhaps he'll be sitting up straight, just looking, fingers laced together in his laps and elbows squared on arm rests. Perhaps he'll lean back, setting one hand to his chin as he listens.
Either way, he'll likely ask me some kind of a question. He'll say something or discourage me.


I'm most afraid however, that he might say something exactly like my father. Say its too soon or that I won't be able to do it right because I'm too young still. I don't know. I'm just worried.


But I'm going to do it. I'm in love with you, with Devon.
Which brings me to what I was going to write tonight in the first place.

I'm not worried about losing you. I'm not worried about being cheated on. I'm not worried about other people ruining our relationship. I don't worry about these things for more reasons than your personal virtue and moral code. It extends into a part of my ownself whom I trust. And who can you trust more than yourself? If you cannot trust yourself, you can trust no one.
However, that is not for this discussion.
No, I'm not worried because I know why love is the way it is. I know why you love me.
Love has something to do with finding people you can be with, but that is only the first part. If you enjoy being around someone, they're a friend. If you try to date and love those people, you are likely to find certain things absent in the relationship; this isn't always true, but you're more likely to find these friendship qualities in a wide variety of people. Love, however, comes from someone who you enjoy being with, not just because you like them, or tolerate them...
You love someone when you find a person who is happy with who you are, who you want to be, who you might be, who you wish you could be. Love is someone who you wish to be better for, even though they think you're fine the way you already are. Love happens when you find a person you're proud of because of who they are; someone you love even in dark hours of your relationship.
I love Devon. Her favorite color lies somewhere between Spring and Fall, but she'll tell you it is teal. She loves Yellow and Orange and certain shades of Brown as well. She aspires to be a chef, not nesscessarily someone notable, although she'd like to be on Food Network if the opportunity arises; she would gladly settle with cooking in a larger, finer, kitchen one day. In the end, she wants to own a bakery and cake shop because she loves cakes. Her favorite season is the late Spring because of all the flowers, and she wants to have a garden in her backyard one day so she can enjoy Spring from her windowsill every morning. Her favorite tree is the Willow. Like myself, she's an italian food lover. She enjoys spontaneous changes in her day and often finds herself hanging out with people who, unlike herself, do not plan things extensively so that she can find an escape from work. She's eager to be married, and dreams of raising a family with at least two children. She wants to travel one day, especially to Greece and Eastern Europe because that is her favorite place in the world. As a result, one of her favorite movies is Mamma Mia, simply because it takes place in Greece. However, her all time favorite is Tank Girl, or perhaps Underworld; She's not even sure which is her favorite anymore. No matter what she says at the time, her favorite actress is Kate Beckingsale, she always comes back to that when asked.
I love her because she's outspoken, honest, and more than willing to disagree with me. Sometimes it takes a bit more coaxing to get her opinion on personal issues and concerns, but in the end she is much like myself in that she would rather discuss it then leave it to fester in the closet. She's an honest person who truly believes in me and supports me in all the roads I take. She's level-headed, often grounding my excessive dreaming and spending, although she usually has a hard time stopping me from spoiling her. She makes sure to keep up with my issues and is amazingly understanding and intelligent. I've always been hard-pressed to find an intellectual equal among women for conversation, being as media has popularized stupidity in the female population. Devon is not above challenging me, not to mention she often corrects me which, albeit annoys the hell out of me, is one of the reasons I love her to death. The fact that she has been willing to give ground in some arguements, and take it in others reassures me that we will never have an empty one-sided relationship.
All in all, I find it hard to describe everything at once. More and more every day, I find it impossible to think of life without her. I can go months without seeing her, but I would like to be able to write her letters, and be cute with her...and all manner of other things.

I'm still nervous.